f1v3p3t4ls's Xanga

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:20:31 GMT

My developmental genetics class this quarter only has 6 students.
The class starts at 12.10 pm. Yesterday, it was 12.09 pm and we were waiting for the 6th person to arrive.

Professor: That's weird, she's usually not late.
Classmates: ...
Professor: Adilla's the one who's usually late.
Me: T_T I know ... I'm sorry ...

What the hellllll.
*sigh* Kena label already.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:23:33 GMT

Restless, restless, restless.

I need new distractions, because I'm restless.

I don't like it when I'm restless, because it makes me think about benda mengarut.

And that tends to make stupid things resurface. Stupid things that I've buried.

Things that I can't even let myself whine about. In order to preserve my dignity.

....

Check this out. Adilla is writing cryptic, emo entries. Not very her, eh?

I don't like it, either.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:49:48 GMT

When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it is fun to laugh at funny Halloween videos, and discuss with friends about things that ... are best left unmentioned.

When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it feels good to drive on dark, empty freeways with the radio blasting from the speakers, and to sing at the top of your lungs and drum on your steering wheel, and to free your mind and not think of anything ... or to try to not think of some things.

When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it feels strangely natural to write in your increasingly abandoned blog.

When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it sucks that you refuse to do anything to help you do otherwise.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:54:34 GMT

My old friends and I are already hitting the mid-20s. Once in a while, I'd be thinking "Hey, Miss A is still the same!" or "Miss B has never changed after all these years!" I've got that recently from a friend, who said that in the 4 years that he's known me, I was still the same old Adilla. I wonder what my 'older' friends think.

Because when I think back ... God, I am so different than what I was before in my adolescent years. When I think back, I used to possess many less than desirable traits that I have thankfully expelled from my current self. When I think of how I used to be, I shudder in embarrassment.

I feel sorry that my older friends had to put up with so much shit from me back then. Lol.

I just thought I'd write about this, since just several hours ago, a good friend of mine said: "You grew up happy, didn't you? You're so happy and chirpy. You must have gone through adolescence well."

He he he. No, my friend. Adolescence hit me hard. Adolescence hit me hard like a .50 calibre bullet shot at point blank. Physically, emotionally, and socially. I wasn't a happy, chirpy teenager. I hated myself XD.

So, what changed? How did I change? Believe it or not, it started with pretension :D.

I acted as if I was confident of myself. Now I've become sufficiently self-assured.

I changed the posture I walked with. Now I walk with my head up high.

I put up a facade of being loud and friendly when I met new people. Now I've become less shy*.

I pretended to think highly of myself. Now I have self esteem.

And I stopped thinking negatively. And now I've found that life is so much better when I'm always positive and happy.

So that is why, friends, I am always happy, cheerful and confident. Life is so much better this way. I enjoy being myself immensely. And you can't say "It's easy for you to say that, Adilla! You don't know what it's like." Ah, but I do. Because I know how it feels like to be sad all the time. I know how it feels like to have zero self-esteem. I know how it feels like to be pessimistic. I know how it feels like to have shitty personality and have people hate me**. I, above everyone else, can say this.

Life isn't all that awesome for me, either. I have shit in my life, too XD ... because really, who doesn't? I just don't ... think about it too much and just stay happy that way. You may want to argue that your life's shit is worse than mine, but I'm willing to bet that you are better off in some things than I am, too.

So just wait it out. The shit will pass. Your shit and my shit. Let's wait it out together. :) In the meantime, be happy! Trust me, it's so much better. Try it. :D

* Less shy. I'm still shy in some respects. In certain situations more than others. ^_^
** Disclaimer: Maybe I still do, and I'm sorry. But I'm willing to bet a million dollars that I was way worse back then XD.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:24:59 GMT

Like I said to my roommate Kumi before I left for the conference: "Things will start changing from now."

Because I was going to be away for a whole week at the conference.
Then, after the conference, one labmate will leave for good.
A few days after that, I will be going back to Malaysia for three weeks.
When I get back to Davis at the end of September, one other labmate will leave as well.
Soon after that, another labmate will also leave for good.
I will then be the senior graduate student in my lab, whether I like it or not.

And that would mark the second year of graduate school -- with new classes, a new labmate, new housemates, and new challenges ...

And no more three "big brothers" who would teach me things, give me playfully disapproving looks when I'm not studying for my exams, pick fights with me, make fun of me, laugh at me, hold interesting conversations with me when we are all supposed to be doing labwork, answer all my stupid questions, be my source of entertainment in lab, and make me look forward to go to lab every day.

I know they're happy to leave, and I'm happy for them.

I wonder if anyone would be sad when I finally leave Davis. Probably not.

Which is probably good. Because it sucks to cry.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 04:05:07 GMT

I'm back from the Transgenic Animal Research Conference at Lake Tahoe! I had a fabulous time -- beautiful place, great (and free) food and drinks, good opportunity to hear about current research and also talk to other researchers, and a whole lot of fun hanging out with people! =D

It was certainly an interesting week. I'll put up some pics later, but here are some highlights to summarize my experience:

- My first research conference! :D
- It was a small -- hence, intimate -- conference. Everyone stayed and ate together, so it was really a nice, friendly and comfortable atmosphere.
- Food was great! Everyone else got to eat steak, which sucked for me but there was more than enough meatless/seafood dishes to eat, so I was very happy :D. Also, my professor made sure that the chef made fish for me on the night when everyone else had steak, so that was very nice of him! Desert was aweeeeesome.
- There was always coffee/tea breaks, and cocktail hours during which there would be an open bar. Everyone was happy to get as much free alcohol as they could, but I was happy enough to get virgin drinks :D.
- There was plenty of free time, so people were able to get out and explore the area. I went hiking up in Squaw Valley (a ski resort mountain), sailing across Lake Tahoe, walked along the stream and the shopping area and also for a night drive around the lake's perimeter (which took us 3 hours! XD).
- I learned a lot from the conference. There were many good talks; some were more pertinent to me than others, but it was great to learn about current research that's being done in the field. It definitely opened my mind.
- I appreciate that we were able to get to know other researchers in such a casual setting. They were all friendly and really chill. I got a shock when a famous researcher in the field (whose review papers I'd been reading) told me that he was born in KL! O_O
- I got to know the other grad students in my department, as well :). It was also nice to meet ex-students of my lab whom I've been hearing about every now and then.
- The night sky over there was always lit up with a multitude of stars. It was so clear that I finally got to really see the Milky Way! That made me soooooooooooo happy :D.
- Most interesting of all ... the first real drinking and dancing party I've ever been to was ... in a research conference. Haaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha. And it was very amusing :D. (and I didn't feel out of place at all!)

I had a really good time. I'm pretty exhausted right now, so I'll put up pictures later! I'm also pretty bummed that my paid vacation is now over ... no more free good food, no more comfortable bed, no more beautiful weather ... but meh, I have to get used to it. Buuuuuut I'm heading back to Malaysia in a few days!! :D :D

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 07:19:05 GMT

Although the last lab class was on Wednesday, I still carried out my duties as a TA for two more days as my students fired questions on their last experiment at me in my lab and over email. Today, as the last of my students turned in their lab reports at 5 pm, marked the end of my Teaching Assistant days this summer.

I remember, at the end of class on Wednesday, after the last of my students and the professor said their thanks and goodbyes, I went about my usual route around the lab to clean up after the students -- emptying their waste buckets, putting equipment and reagents back into the classroom cabinet, locking their drawers, and such. The whiteboard was always the last one I would clean, because it was always my favorite part of being a TA. I remember walking up to it, taking a good look at it for a few seconds and slowly rubbing it clean ... feeling really strange as the last of my handwriting disappeared.

I'm ... done. It's definitely going to feel weird on Monday when I come to lab and not have to start preparing for class at 1 pm. 6 weeks just flew by so quickly, but 6 weeks was enough for me to get into a new daily routine revolving around the class. 6 weeks of labeling tubes and pipeting reagents into them. 6 weeks of seeing the same faces almost every day. 6 weeks of not eating lunch on weekdays. 6 weeks of poking my head cheerily into the professor's office every morning. 6 weeks of having very little time to do my own stuff in lab. 6 tiring weeks ... but also very rewarding weeks :).

So I didn't take a photo with the students as I had playfully suggested previously. However, I did take a few pictures of the lab as a memento of my first time ever TAing :D ...

The first thing I did in class was give them this quiz. Clearly it was a faux quiz. The students were giggling over it and I said, "It should be obvious to you what the correct answer is ... if it's not, I would be really sad... (rolling my eyes)" to which they laughed. One girl was wide-eyed when she asked if I was serious about (B) and I told them that yes, I did indeed get donuts, brownies and cookies for them!

As you can see, the goodies were very popular. The donuts were all gone, and there were only a few cookies and brownies left. My labmate, Wade, said: "They'll be all over it like ants!"

This is what the teaching lab looks like. You can see my special TA spot in front of the class -- I picked a really tall stool to compensate for my height hahahaha.

This was what I had on the whiteboard before I erased it. Nothing very special -- I've had way more text and prettier figures and diagrams on it on other days but they didn't have much to do on the last day.

I usually gave them reagents in tubes of different colors, and I always stuck to only one color for each so that it'd be easier for them to keep track. If they had to store tubes in the fridge, I'd label a tube rack with their group numbers like in the picture :D so that they'd know where their group's tubes were on the rack.

Gel combs and flasks for the students to make agarose gels ...

... and run them in these gel boxes. They ran DNA in agarose gels for a certain amount of time, then exposed the gels in UV light to visualize DNA fragments that had been separated by size.

The cabinet where we stashed everything in after class. It was like my territory since I had the key to it hehe. Everything we needed for 6 weeks was in there, so there was quite a range of stuff.

"Special" trash that needs to be autoclaved (sterilized at very high temperatures) before disposal. In case you're wondering, yes, that's blood -- they had to extract DNA from goat blood at one point. Emptying their waste buckets into this bag after class was kinda gross.

Interesting (and sweet) answers that I got on the quiz. :D

TAing definitely took up a lot of time, and I'd definitely been bitching about it on a regular basis ... but at the end of the day, it is really rewarding when students are happy when they understand something ... and it makes me very happy as well :).

... I guess I really like teaching.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 02:28:46 GMT

I just realized today that this will be a lonely weekend. My roomies are gone -- Kumi has gone to the Bay Area to see the old Davis gang, and Mani has gone home. Other dinner/chilling buddies have also gone off somewhere or are going to be busy with their significant others. All I have is Paul the cat, whom I expect is going to walk all over me every morning to wake me up.

It will be a lonely and quiet weekend, but I am actually welcoming the change. No farewell dinner, no dinner party, no picnic, no wedding reception, no nothing. Now, I can sit down, chill, and look forward to:
- catching up on all those readings I was supposed to be doing and mull over ideas
- moving my stuff over to my new room
- playing Final Fantasy VII, with Paul sitting with me on the couch
- possibly a short trip to Ikea, Target and/or Walmart
- surf online for several things I have been meaning to buy
- working with my cells in the lab

Speaking of cells, I am currently growing mesenchymal stem cells. They look like this:

(photo credit: Wiley InterScience)

These are stem cells isolated from certain tissue types, including bone marrow, adipose (fat), amniotic fluid and umbilical cord. Scientists have been working with these cells for clinical applications (healing bones, etc.). They grow super fast ... on one hand, I am happy that they're growing happily in my culture flasks, but on the other hand, I am less happy when they get me stuck in lab until the dead of night having to work with them just because they grow so speedily.

Oh, cell culture. I will not whine in detail, but in the past few weeks, I have fucked up in cell culture at every level -- from the incredibly stupid mess-ups, to the understandable mistakes. I am hoping that all this is going to make me amazing at cell culture in the future.

...

With that, I conclude my random and boring ramblings of the day.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 02:32:44 GMT

Time flies hellishly fast when you're busy.

I can't believe that it's fucking nearing the end of July. I can't believe that I only have one week left to TA. I can't believe that there are only three weeks left until the conference in August. I can't believe I have about a month left to enjoy the company of my three labmates before they leave me for good. I can't believe that in just over a month, I'll be heading back to Malaysia. I can't believe I only have a month of summer left to accomplish a significant amount of labwork and also think about what I want to do for the next four years.

I can't believe it.

I ... can't believe this.

This sucks.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 06:11:12 GMT

So summer has turned out to be way busier than I'd previously expected.

I emerged, thankfully unscathed, from a harrowing quarter of a difficult core course, and was expecting a relaxed but busy lab-bound summer ... then suddenly, within a four-day notice, I found myself standing in front of 17 students as the TA of an animal genetics lab.

I've always enjoyed teaching. I wanted to be a teacher when I was a kid. When I was younger, I acquired a whiteboard and invented classroom lessons for my cousins. I thoroughly enjoyed explaining chemistry in colorful terms to my high school classmates. Whenever I come across a very good teacher or professor, I find myself subconsciously taking mental notes. Especially now, most of all, I am always delighted to help anyone in genetics and biology.

But I wasn't exactly thrilled to take up the Teaching Assistant position initially. Semi-excited, yes, but slightly freaking out also, and definitely not thrilled. Because I was thinking: what if I totally suck at explaining things to people in complete English? I realized that although I spoke English fluently, I'd never really taught anyone that didn't speak Malay, and that I'd always used my most comfortable mode of verbal communication: Malay + English mix. Also, I generally suck at public speaking, so I was so afraid of getting tongue-tied in the middle of class and spontaneously imploding.

But all is good so far :). Thankfully, I was only nervous during my first pre-lab lecture (and apparently, the two observant students sitting right in front noticed lol); now, I am perfectly able to crack stupid jokes and be myself in front of class. Obviously, TAing is a drag and takes up so much time, but it's really not that bad. Most of all, I'm just thankful that my students are a nice bunch. And I'm super thankful that the instructor is very helpful and encouraging.

My duties as a TA for this class include:
- Giving a pre-lab lecture, explaining what they would be doing in that particular day's lab. This is the most instructor-like part, because it involves me standing in front of a whiteboard, waving a black marker around and, when the opportunity arises, cracking stupid jokes. To a small extent, it is also fun because I get to draw pretty diagrams and figures on the board :D.
- Giving out a pre-lab quiz. Just a one-question quiz to make sure they read their lab protocols beforehand, but I spend a considerable amount of time agonizing over them because I want to make sure I don't ask questions that make me a douchebag TA (and of course, also to make sure I ask good and useful questions).
- Walking around the lab or sitting at my special TA bench for 3.5 hours -- answering questions, repeating myself, preventing disaster. Sometimes funny things come up (see below).
- Setting up prior to each class and cleaning up after. This one sucks ass, and is never fun.

Sometimes, funny things come up. Which adds a little cheer to the draggy lab classes. For example, today, a student was given a pair of new vinyl gloves because she always got mysterious holes in the regular nitrile gloves provided. The vinyl gloves were thin with a yellowish tinge and a crinkly texture. This conversation took place:
Me: So how do you like your new gloves?
Student: They're ok so far. I find them a little weird. They kinda remind me of condoms in some way ... like, even the cuff ...
*giggles from around*
Me: Oh my God! You're right. That's why I thought they were kinda familiar.
*more giggles*
Me: I mean, not familiar familiar, but you know ...
*more giggles*
Me: O-kay, I should just stop talking ... *promptly walks away*

Hahaha.

Anyhoo, I'm hoping everything would continue going well. After tomorrow, I would be officially halfway through the class :D. When I'm actually done, perhaps I'll even feel nostalgic. Maybe I should take a pic with the class, and be like "OMG my first TA class!" but they'll probably think that's stupid lol.