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f1v3p3t4ls
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Name: f1v3p3t4ls
Country: United States
Interests: games. games. books. survival horror. wildlife. fantasy. RPGs. football/soccer. shopping. anime. manga. tigers. greek mythology. paper + pencil art. gamelan. david hayter's voice. climbing things.
Expertise: wasting time. wasting time even when exams are imminent. looking like i have time to waste. enumerating things that i can do to waste time. turning beds into bookshelves.
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/28/2004
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| My developmental genetics class this quarter only has 6 students.
The class starts at 12.10 pm. Yesterday, it was 12.09 pm and we were waiting for the 6th person to arrive.
Professor: That's weird, she's usually not late.
Classmates: ...
Professor: Adilla's the one who's usually late.
Me: T_T I know ... I'm sorry ...
What the hellllll.
*sigh* Kena label already.
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| Restless, restless, restless.
I need new distractions, because I'm restless.
I don't like it when I'm restless, because it makes me think about benda mengarut.
And that tends to make stupid things resurface. Stupid things that I've buried.
Things that I can't even let myself whine about. In order to preserve my dignity.
....
Check this out. Adilla is writing cryptic, emo entries. Not very her, eh?
I don't like it, either.
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| When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it is fun to laugh at funny Halloween videos, and discuss with friends about things that ... are best left unmentioned.
When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it feels good to drive on dark, empty freeways with the radio blasting from the speakers, and to sing at the top of your lungs and drum on your steering wheel, and to free your mind and not think of anything ... or to try to not think of some things.
When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it feels strangely natural to write in your increasingly abandoned blog.
When you can't concentrate on your midterm exam ...
it sucks that you refuse to do anything to help you do otherwise.
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| My old friends and I are already hitting the mid-20s. Once in a while, I'd be thinking "Hey, Miss A is still the same!" or "Miss B has never changed after all these years!" I've got that recently from a friend, who said that in the 4 years that he's known me, I was still the same old Adilla. I wonder what my 'older' friends think.
Because when I think back ... God, I am so different than what I was before in my adolescent years. When I think back, I used to possess many less than desirable traits that I have thankfully expelled from my current self. When I think of how I used to be, I shudder in embarrassment.
I feel sorry that my older friends had to put up with so much shit from me back then. Lol.
I just thought I'd write about this, since just several hours ago, a good friend of mine said: "You grew up happy, didn't you? You're so happy and chirpy. You must have gone through adolescence well."
He he he. No, my friend. Adolescence hit me hard. Adolescence hit me hard like a .50 calibre bullet shot at point blank. Physically, emotionally, and socially. I wasn't a happy, chirpy teenager. I hated myself XD.
So, what changed? How did I change? Believe it or not, it started with pretension :D.
I acted as if I was confident of myself. Now I've become sufficiently self-assured.
I changed the posture I walked with. Now I walk with my head up high.
I put up a facade of being loud and friendly when I met new people. Now I've become less shy*.
I pretended to think highly of myself. Now I have self esteem.
And I stopped thinking negatively. And now I've found that life is so much better when I'm always positive and happy.
So that is why, friends, I am always happy, cheerful and confident. Life is so much better this way. I enjoy being myself immensely. And you can't say "It's easy for you to say that, Adilla! You don't know what it's like." Ah, but I do. Because I know how it feels like to be sad all the time. I know how it feels like to have zero self-esteem. I know how it feels like to be pessimistic. I know how it feels like to have shitty personality and have people hate me**. I, above everyone else, can say this.
Life isn't all that awesome for me, either. I have shit in my life, too XD ... because really, who doesn't? I just don't ... think about it too much and just stay happy that way. You may want to argue that your life's shit is worse than mine, but I'm willing to bet that you are better off in some things than I am, too.
So just wait it out. The shit will pass. Your shit and my shit. Let's wait it out together. :) In the meantime, be happy! Trust me, it's so much better. Try it. :D
* Less shy. I'm still shy in some respects. In certain situations more than others. ^_^
** Disclaimer: Maybe I still do, and I'm sorry. But I'm willing to bet a million dollars that I was way worse back then XD. | | |
| Like I said to my roommate Kumi before I left for the conference: "Things will start changing from now."
Because I was going to be away for a whole week at the conference.
Then, after the conference, one labmate will leave for good.
A few days after that, I will be going back to Malaysia for three weeks.
When I get back to Davis at the end of September, one other labmate will leave as well.
Soon after that, another labmate will also leave for good.
I will then be the senior graduate student in my lab, whether I like it or not.
And that would mark the second year of graduate school -- with new classes, a new labmate, new housemates, and new challenges ...
And no more three "big brothers" who would teach me things, give me playfully disapproving looks when I'm not studying for my exams, pick fights with me, make fun of me, laugh at me, hold interesting conversations with me when we are all supposed to be doing labwork, answer all my stupid questions, be my source of entertainment in lab, and make me look forward to go to lab every day.
I know they're happy to leave, and I'm happy for them.
I wonder if anyone would be sad when I finally leave Davis. Probably not.
Which is probably good. Because it sucks to cry.
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